For the past several months I have been adjusting to a life with Autoimmune Disease. It’s caused me some sever Psoriasis and Psoriatic Arthritis, which is essentially Rheumatoid Arthritis.
At my best I have a bit of stiffness in the morning, but at my my worst my scalp, face and body is covered with patches of itchy red, flaky skin and the arthritis causes my feet to swell and throb in pain the point where just standing brings me to tears. Oh and then there are the side effect of the medication… nausea anyone?
It’s been quite depressing. Week after week I pray that the medications will bring me some relief. I’ve even drastically changed my diet to avoid any foods which trigger inflammation in hopes that not only will it help me, but that I will not gain any more weight now that I am unable to keep up with a regular exercise routine.
On the outside you’d probably look at me and see a little dry skin or redness here and there, maybe you’d notice that I move a little bit slower, or notice that I cringe a little from the pain when I walk…all in all it’s not easy to detect the pain and frustration I have inside, but It’s really hard to feel good about your self, pretty even, when I look in the mirror and notice the hair loss my medication is causing, or the dandruff-esq flakes that fall from my scalp and skin.
This disease has really taken a toll on my socail life, especially dating, and while my Facebook status reflects I am “currently in a relationship” I’m really not feeling up to it anymore.
I have been struggling with these feelings for the past week as my heath has litterally gone down the toilet. We are exclusively dating and he is a really nice guy, but I’m not sure it’s fair to either one of us to continue to do so.
Before we met I contemplated listing my disease in my dating profile, but decided against it. I mean why would I want to put that out there before someone even gets a chance to know me? What a turn off.
Yet here I am, shutting myself off to much of the world and this guy. Maybe I’m being selfish. On one hand it’s nice to know I have someone who wants to hear from me, even if I have been completely crabby day after day. On the other hand I feel like I just can’t be bothered with this right now.
It scares me to think that my disease could get the best of me and keep me from living a happy life in a happy relationship. I know this can’t go on for ever and that eventually the right medication will bring me back to the life I want to lead, but for now… I just want to get better. Alone.
So how does one deal with dating when your pretty much undateable … or unwilling to be dated?